Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
