bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
