I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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