11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
