she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also, beer. Big fan.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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