Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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