I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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