just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
