no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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