the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
