My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just pee around me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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