He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
