Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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