3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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