This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
