there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
