does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
