READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
