that's an acceptable place to lick
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
