We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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