Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
