Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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