I'm really into asian looking animals
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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