my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
