I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
