I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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