I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
