"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
