yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
