hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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