I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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