gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
