if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My feet surprised me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
