Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
