I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize