Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
