I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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