Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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