i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
