I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize