The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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