Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
