I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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