someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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