Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
