I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
