I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
