why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
