Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
