We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
