If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
