I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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