A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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