guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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