How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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