i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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