Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
