Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
