cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize