Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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