I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
