my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
